Its been awhile.....

Its been awhile since I wrote on here. I haven't really known what to say, but I have lots to say. I know that doesn't make sense but things are very messed up with my head with all my anxiety and emotions right now.

My pregnancy is going well. Every 2 weeks I see my high risk OB, baby and my body are doing well. Next appt is May 4th, and we will hopefully find out the sex of the baby. I am now 15 1/2 weeks and feeling good. I know my anxiety level is starting to rise. I feel the fear mounting inside as I approach the later weeks of the teens and the early 20's. I lost Brielle and Natalie at 22w5d and I know those times during this pregnancy will be extremely hard for me. A few nights ago I had a bad dream. My dream was about my cervix doing the samething as last time, but we caught it earlier. I woke up and was unable to fall asleep again for a while. Even as I write this, thinking of it all makes me worried. I know the doctors are watching me closely but what happens if they don't catch something in time? I don't know if I could go through another loss, what will it do to me?

I have been taking it easy at work and at home. My husband is so good, helping with everything around the house and being so understanding. I love him so much, I hope he knows. The people at work have also been really good. They look out for me, and I appreciate it from my heart. I am fortunate to work with people who care about me and my baby.

I promise to update more often.

MFM appointment

On Wed we went to my maternal fetal specialist appt and everything is looking good. The baby is measuring 4 days ahead of me for dates and my cervix is doing well. It was a really good appt, the Dr took time with us and discussed many things. There still isn't any answers to what happened last time, and there never will be. So many thing could have played a role. I did learn that I had a 50% abruption of my placenta (placenta pulls away from the uterus wall and dies, sometimes causing bleeding and pain which I never had), which is an important thing to watch for in the future. Abruptions can be deadly for the mother and baby. One more thing to add to the many things to watch for this pregnancy. I go back to see him in 2 weeks.

I am still having a hard time attaching myself to this baby, not in fear of lossing him/her, but it almost doesn't feel real yet. I see the baby on ultrasound moving around but the excitement still isn't quite what it was last time. I guess it is normal to feel this way. I have rented myself a doppler to listen to the heartbeat, hoping this will help me feel closer to this baby. I should recieve it in a few days.

March of Dimes

My husband and I are walking in the March of Dimes walk on April 25th for premature babies, babies born with birth defects and babies who are born to early to survive. We are walking in memory of our angels Brielle and Natalie who we miss each and everyday. With each person who donates money to sponsor us for such a great cause, we can fight against premature births and give future babies a better chance of survival and being born healthy at term. I thank you in advance for your support. If you want to walk with us on this day, you can visit our site at www. marchforbabies.org/656803 or you can make a donation.

Mixed up

Since becoming pregnant again I find myself missing by angels even more. The last while has been difficult with trying to be positive about this baby being born alive and healthy and still grieving my babies. What a mix of emotions everyday brings. I just had a good cry for Brielle and Natalie who would be over 2 months old now if they were born around 35 weeks. I wonder what they would look like, would their personalities be different or similar? How my life would be so different, being off work, changing dozens of diapers, being tired all the time and loving every minute of it. But I have to look into what should have been and look into my future now at the sametime. I know part of these thoughts and emotions are because I am pregnant again, with hormones all over the place and also being scared it will all happen again.

I have told some people at work I am pregnant again, and I find most (not all) people's reactions to be not as cheery as it was the last time. I think people are scared for me, I think. I haven't had very many people say congrats, and I know more people know then I told, since my work is a grapevine. A few people knowing leads to everyone knowing. Last time people came up to me constantly to congrat me but this time they don't say anything to me, and I just figure they don't really know what to say, since last time it ended so badly. Maybe I am just being sensitive but it bothers me. I want the congratulations, it is a new pregnancy for me, and a try at a new beginning. I'm not sure how to take it all. I guess it is what it is, and I just need to think of myself and my baby. Not worry about what anyone else thinks.

I know the innocent pregnancy world has been taken away from me, and maybe others at work. Who knows, maybe what happened to me made people realize pregnancy doesn't always end up with a perfect baby. I wish I could go back and feel the bliss of pregnancy but reality is what it is and I will always be on guard of what can happen next.

New Hope

Well yesterday was my first appt with my regular OB doctor. My husband and I were very nervous, expecting to hear the worst. I couldn't believe my ears when he said he wasn't considering me high risk. WOW. I even double checked with him, by asking many questions starting with "even though this and this happened"? He reassured us that since my last pregnancy was twins, and with other events it was completely different then the last time. He expressed the new hope, of this being a good pregnancy and I will make it to term and deliver a healthy alive baby. I felt like a weight lifted off of my shoulders, but a few pounds are there and always will be until I can hold my baby in my arms. October can't come fast enough. I have choosen to see my specialist around 12 weeks to discuss with them what they think. I want peace of mind, with every thing I can. If they tell me the samething I will be even more optimistic. I am going to have measurements of my cervix regularly to make sure everything is okay. All the Dr's seem to think I didn't have any incompetent cervix but I just want to keep an eye on things to ease my mind. We are more optimistic now then before but still in the back of my mind I can't help wonder if this will really happen for us.

My New Miracle

Sorry it took so long to update my blog. I have been tired, tired, and tired. This pregnancy is taking everything out of me. I wasn't this tired during my last one, but each pregnancy is different.

Well we went to our appointment on Wed and it was great. The anticipation leading up to the ultrasound was intense but once we had it done everything was wonderful. A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. There is one beautiful baby, with a great sounding strong heartbeat. We are so very happy to be only having one baby even though part of us feel like twins is such a special event. That special event will be forever for our Brielle and Natalie. Having a single baby will give us the best hope for carrying this pregnancy to term or as close as possible to it. The official due date is Oct 12, 2009. It seems so far away. The time right now is going so slowing. Even though tomorrow I will be 7 weeks I wish it could go faster. I want to be out of the first trimester, but then I will also know the second trimester will be even more stressful then the first one. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in Oct with a healthy alive baby in my arms. I dream already of the day to say hello to my baby, boy or girl, hoping it will be a day leading to many more days to be together.

Anticipation

Anticipation is growing in me as the days go by. Each day we get closer to WED the day of our first ultrasound I find myself getting more and more nervous. My husband and I were talking the other day and it is funny how we are both anxious for different reasons. I find myself praying there is a heartbeat. It will be devastating to me to not see a heartbeat, to have to lose this baby so early after I have begun to bond already, something I told myself I wouldn't do but I can't help myself. My husband is anxious about how many babies we will see. He thinks there will be a heartbeat but how many? I believe this time we will have one baby. I am counting down the days till we go. I know my nerves will be all over the place as we wait in the waiting room. Excitement, nervousness, scared and worried of the unknown. Mixture of feeling and emotions as we wait for the first moment to meet our new baby to hopefully join our lives on earth.

Beta's

Monday was the first day for my blood work to confirm my pregnancy. The results came back at 356. I think it is a little high, my last pregnancy it was 419 at the same time line. So I am hoping it is only a singleton, but will deal with whatever happens. Today was my second test result and it was 660. SOOOOO everything so far is looking great. I now have to wait until Tuesday next week to do one more blood test and then we will be scheduling my ultrasound. I can't wait to see the heartbeat. I remember last time what a wonderful feeling it was to see and hear my babies heartbeats. This should be in 2 weeks. I can't wait to meet my baby.

So far I don't have many symptoms, except being tired all the time. Pregnancy in the first trimester sure takes the wind out of your sails, finding energy is hard. I would love to sleep all the time. I am not taking the few symptoms for granted since last time at exactly 6 weeks the morning sickness kicked in. I hope I don't get it this time, but will be happy to have whatever I get, I am just so happy to be pregnant again. Today I am 4weeks, and 2 days. The time seems to be going slowly. It is so early but I am trying so hard to be positive and not dwell on all the bad things that can happen. I am scared but also excited.

UPDATE!!!!!!

Well I guess many of you are wondering what has been going on with me. My gut feeling this month didn't work, that I wasn't pregnant. Well to my surprise, I AM PREGNANT! I couldn't believe my eyes. I was thinking it was wrong, it was still my trigger shot in my system giving me a false positive. So I took test after test, each day and I am now finally convinced it is for real. I have taken 6 tests in total. I can't believe it happened so fast on the first try this time. I am soooo very excited, but cautiously excited and optimistic. Tomorrow (Monday) I will be calling my doctor to get some blood work done over the next few days to make sure my hormone levels are rising properly. Then in a few weeks I will have my ultrasound to hopefully see a heartbeat. Keep you fingers and toes crossed for me.

For those who I work with and are reading this, I ask you to please keep this news to yourself. I want to make sure everything is fine before I tell others. Only a few close people who read this will know. I appreciate you discretion.

Pregnancy Test!